‘Pag Lumingon Ka, ‘Wag Ka Nang Bumalik Pa

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Marami sa atin ang hindi makatulog nang maaga.
Bakit nagpupuyat?
Naglalaro? Nag-iisip?
o Naglalaro ang isip?

Di mapigilang balikan ang mga alalalang lumipas na
Di mapigilang sariwain ang mga sugat na dapat ay pagaling na

“Pag lumingon ka, akin ka”
Pero bakit di ka naging akin?

Bakit hanggang sulyap lang ang kaya mong gawin?

Yung tingin mong di ako maabot ng tanaw
Yung pagtingin mong bigla na lang pumanaw

Oh kay panglaw. Ititigil ko na nga ang pagbabalik-tanaw
Buwan ng wika, pero taon ang hinintay ko para mabuo ang grupo ng mga salita na sa wakas ay magbibigay na nga ng wakas

Lumingon ako sa kwento nating dalawa
Ngunit ‘di ako nagbabakasakaling maging sayo ako at maging akin ka
Lumingon ako para maramdaman kung sumasakit pa ba
Lumingon ako para makitang hindi na doon ang patutunguhan ko

Siguro nga ang karamihan sa mga nagpupuyat ay lumilingon

Nagpapalipas ng gabi para tanghali na bumangon

Takot sa araw

Sa araw na wala nang lilingon at lilingunin

Takot sa araw

Sa araw na wala nang dahilan para sariwain ang sugat na pagaling na

Takot sa araw

Sa araw na hindi na natin kailangan magpuyat dahil mas mahalaga pala ang tulog

Takot sa araw

Sa araw na ikaw ay lilingon ngunit di na magiging akin pa

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Paalam, Hanggang Sa Muli

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Sa mga oras na ito ay hindi ko na alam kung nasaan ka

Okay lang, hindi ko din naman alam kung nasaan na ako

Hindi ko alam na darating yung araw na bigla ka na lang hindi magpaparamdam

Nakakatawa lang kasi kung sino pa yung nag-iisang taong pinangarap mo, yun din pala yung mananakit sayo.
Yung sakit na hindi mo inakalang mararamdaman mo..

Yung sakit na hanggang ngayon, pinag-aaralan mo kung paano kakayanin.

Naaalala ko parin yung mga “I love you”.
na may kasunod pang “forever and ever”..

Nakakatawa no? Napaglaruan tayo ng tadhana, at ikaw, pinaglaruan ako.

Ayaw kitang sisihin kung bakit tayo nagkaganito, kaya lang, tapos ko nang sisihin ang sarili ko.

Nagsisi na ako. Nagsisi ako nung hindi ko pinagkatiwalaan ang sarili ko dahil umpisa pa lang nakita ko nang mangyayari ‘to.

Nagsisi akong nagtiwala ako sayo nang sobra na hindi mo nga ako iiwan, pero wala eh. Ginustong maramdaman ng puso ko na mahalin mo at magmahal nang buong-buo.

Wala eh. Naiwan ako.

Wala eh. Iniwan ako.

Wala eh. Gusto ko mang iwanan itong sakit na nararamdaman ko, di ko parin magawa.

Kahit nasaktan ako, mahal parin kita.
Habang nasasaktan ako, lalo kitang minamahal..

Hindi nauubos ang mga luha ko, kasabay nitong bumubuhos ang mga tanong na “bakit mo ako iniwan?”

Ngunit kahit ganoon ang nangyari sa atin, naiintindihan kita. Siguro nga naghanap ka ng lugar kung saan mo makikita ang tahanan mo. Hinanap mo yung lugar na payapa, yung lugar kung saan ka may laya.

Hinanap mo yung mga bagay na naipagkait ko sayo.

Isang Bucket ng Bakit

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Umaga na.
Inumaga na ako kakaisip kung paano sisimulan ang sanaysay na ito

Sanaysay, sanay sayo

Sanay na kung paano mo paulit-ulit na balewalain

Sanay na kung paano ka dumating at paano kang aalis din

Sana’y naihanda ko ang sarili ko

Sana’y napigilan ko ang puso ko’ng mapunit sa pagpupumilit mong buksan ko ito para sayo

Nawawala, bumabalik.
Ngunit nanunumbalik ang pait ng kahapon

Yung mga pangako na dapat na yatang itapon

Yung mga pusong pagal na hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon

Yung mga alaalang napaglipasan na ng panahon.

Bakit nga ba tayo naghahanap ng sagot sa mismong sagot?

Bakit ba natin sinusundan ng tanong ang bawat tanong?

Walang punto.

Dito sa puntong wala na akong maisulat na tula o sanaysay para sayo.

Wala na ngang maikling kwento dahil tapos na ang ating kwento.

Mga pabula na lamang, sa mundo na nagmistulang gubat
Kung saan tayo nagkahiwalay ng landas
Kung saan tayo naligaw ng daan na dapat nating tinatahak
Saktan pa natin ang isa’t-isa.

Kasi kulang pa.

Oo, alam alam kong kulang pa. Kasi kung sapat na ay hindi na tayo nagtangkang dagdagan pa ang naibahagi natin sa isa’t-isa.

Para kang paborito kong kanta
Totoo ngang kabisado ko pa pero hindi ko na kinakanta pa.

Nakakasawa din pala kapag paulit-ulit mong naririnig. Alam mong matatapos din ang kanta pero nakuha mo pang sumabay sa saliw ng kanyang musika.

Kabisado ko na kaya hindi ko naisip na maaaring magbago ang areglo.

Nawala ako sa tono.

May bahagyang nabago sa mga liriko
Ngunit ito parin naman ang kantang napakinggan ko hindi ba?

Ang dati kong kabisado ay unti-unti na ngang nagbago.

Ah. Baka may bago.

Pero kahit ganito at ganoon ay para sayo parin ang akdang ito.

Madalas parin akong nagtatanong.

Paulit-ulit ding sinasalo ang mga tanong na binabato.

Napupuno ng bakit.
Nagtatanong sa langit.
Bumubulong ng mga daing na ‘bakit hindi makalapit?’

Bakit sa kabila ng mga tanong ay tuloy parin?

Bakit kapag may nawawala ay may dumadating?

Bakit ba hindi tayo nabalaan na may nawawalang bumabalik din?

Bakit kapag may bumabalik ay handa parin tayong sumalubong at tumanggap parin?

God is Sufficient

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How fake is your laugh and smile as the moment you turn off the lights and put down the binded curtains?

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Dear God,
I was asking myself earlier if I am really happy.

I would say that it’s hard for me to be happy right now, but I also know that I should be, ‘coz why not?

It’s been a bountiful 21 years of existence, and not everyone can get this kind of privilege. I am lucky enough to reach this age… or should I say, I am really blessed.

I know there are still things that I should consider to let go, there are still areas that I should manage to grow, Yes God, I know and I am really sorry if I still can’t.

Help me nurture my spirit. To give things up and Up. To let go and let God.

I know that I’ve been a stubborn child, I am sorry for every wrong doings and sins that I have committed and am still committing. Sorry for disobedience.

Sorry for sometimes I do things out of selfishness. Sorry for hurting someone’s feelings just to get what I want.

Help me to reach maturity at this age, oh God. To take deep understanding of things. To focus on my personal, mental, and spiritual growth.

Thank you for bringing wonderful people into my life to share my journey with. For my family even if they give me stress and make me emotionally drained, for supportive and loving parents (please give them longer life), for funny and intellectual friends who shares daily struggles with me, for past lovers (particularly Redentor, keep him safe and alive Lord, I want his happiness even if it doesn’t include me anymore.) Thanks for everything!

I can’t thank You enough for loving me as I am. For accepting all my flaws. For accepting me as Your child.

It’s true that there is nothing we can do to stop You from loving us.

Happy Birthday to me, and today, I celebrate it with You. 🤗🙏🙌❤

I am forever grateful for everything you did to my life.

In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

Why am I still hurting?

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It’s been a month already since the night that I let you go.

I’m still asking myself if I really did, because it still aches every night.

I feel the pain in my chest. I know it will never go away, but somehow I am hoping that I can get used to this kind of pain.

Kumusta ka na kaya?

Naiisip mo rin kaya ako tuwing gabi? Tuwing madaling araw? Tuwing mag-isa ka at walang ginagawa? O tuwing madami kang ginagawa at hindi ka na nga magkanda-ugaga? Naiisip mo rin ba ako?

Siguro nga hindi na. Siguro nga, okay ka na. Wala namang sigurado nung pinutol natin ang ugnayan na meron tayo. Hindi ako sigurado kung kaya ko ba o kakayanin ko. Walang nakakaalam kung anong mangyayari sa ating dalawa pagkatapos ng gabing ‘yon. Pero pagkatapos kitang bitawan, nagflashback lahat. Kung paanong nahulog ang loob ko sayo, kung paano ko binigay yung pinakaiingatan kong “oo”. Ikaw ang una kong pag-ibig na masasabi kong akin. Akala ko pa nga, ikaw na rin ang huli. Di ko naman alam na yun na pala ang huli.

Huling araw ng taon at unang araw ng panibagong taon.

Totoo nga na kung ano ang ginagawa mo sa huling araw, yun na ang gagawin mo buong taon. Ewan. Di ko alam kung maniniwala pa ako dun pero sasabihin kong, umiiyak parin ako. Hinihiling ko parin na sana magkausap parin tayo. Na sana balikan mo ako kung saan tayo natapos, kasi nandito parin ako…

Hindi parin makausad. Stuck up sayo at sa idea na “tayo.”

Umaasa parin ako na babalik ka sakin. Umaasa ako na kung ako naman ang babalik sayo ay may babalikan pa ako. 🙁

Hindi ko alam kung bakit umaasa parin ako.

Hindi naman madamot ang Diyos diba?
Umaasa ako na magkikita tayo sa tamang panahon. Na totoo yung naramdaman mo. Na totoo ang lahat. Na totoo ka.

Even if it’s getting blurry.
Even if it seems impossible now.

Sometimes, you just have to believe, right?

Beautiful Season

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Minsan dumadating tayo sa point na kapag yung isang bagay nag-end, parang wala na tayong gana magstart ulit ng panibago.

Minsan sinasabi natin na magiging okay din ang lahat though wala tayong makitang sign ng progress at pagbabago.

Ang meron lang yung sakit na paulit-ulit kang pinipiga sa magdamag kakaisip kung saan ka nagkamali. Yung mga luha na tuluy-tuloy ang pagpatak kakapigil mo sa tunog ng iyak na gusto nang kumawala kasi gusto mo nang magwala. Gusto mong ngumawa. Gusto mong umiyak nang sobrang lakas para bukas magkaroon ka na ulit ng lakas.

Ayaw mo nang makaramdam pero paulit-ulit mong hinahanap yung sakit. Nagiging dependent ka sa isang bagay na nagcoconsume sayo.

At minsan, kahit tapos na, hindi mo parin mapigilang lumingon kung saan ito natapos.

Hindi mo naman kailangang magmadali, you can stay for a while. You can stay as much as you want. Pero wag mong kalimutan na may iba pang bagay na naghihintay sa pagbalik ng ngiti at dati mong sigla.

May mga paalam na hindi na natin kailangan ipaalam. Yung tipong biglang natapos. Yung wala nang paramdam.

Yung pakiramdam na may nakalimutan kang dalhin pero pagbalik mo, hindi mo maalala kung ano yung bagay na nakalimutan mo.

Yung pakiramdam na bigla kang nagising sa nakakapagod na panaginip pero wala kang maalala sa mga nangyari. Ang alam mo lang natulog ka. Naalimpungatan ka pero wala ka pa sa ulirat.

Ganun na lang siguro.

Concept ng paglimot na underrated kumbaga.

Hindi mo na dapat kinakamusta. Hindi. Na. Dapat. Pa.

Kasi para saan? Para i-check kung pareho kayong nasasaktan?

Bottomline.

Nakirot pa. Masakit pa. Nakakamiss.

Pero di na dapat ipilit pa kung wala na talaga.

Parang sugat,

Madalas kumakati pero hindi gagaling kung palagi mong kinakamot.

Umiyak ka lang hanggang sa mapagod ka.

Ngitian mo lang, pagkatapos nito, tatawa ka na.

Tapos. Tapos na.

Change is good

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“Anyone who thinks that sunshine is pure happiness has never danced in the rain.”

Difficult times in life were often when you learned the most. It is almost, always the necessary path to lead you into something great. It sometimes lead us somewhere our feet has never wandered. As if we are in a foreign land. A battlefield in which we are a complete novice.

It is pure amusement, the first time I set off my feet on the ground after taking a bus ride. What a lovely day! And so, I thought.

I knew I was fine. I had to be fine. I know soon, I will be. The more I say it, the more I’ll believe it, so I’ll get there eventually.

One way to move forward is to leave everything behind. I had to break someone’s heart, when mine already felt shattered into a million pieces. I had to deal with my anxiety. Crying on the bathroom floor with no one to turn to, while all the words we used to say is on repeat. All for days, it was on my mind. All for days, you are on my mind. And I had to say that it’s not about the hurdle we face, but how we overcome it. We learn to fight and go into a battle for what we want. I knew I had to work everything out. Alone.

I was lost. And then you found me.

But suddenly I felt lost in your side. I lost myself in the process of finding you. I was blinded by your light. And I think it was the best way to lose myself.

Your light gets into my brokenness, those tiny cracks you slip in.. but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to shine like you and together, we’ll light up this whole city.

I just realized that it’s okay to be lost sometimes, as long as you have that will to come back, better and stronger. With brighter light.

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” – African proverb

I am ready to go fast. I want to speed up the time so I can meet you halfway to the farthest we can go, together. I am ready to be the best version of myself, if you could just wait for me.

One day, you will see my light and it will be beautiful, so bright, that it will be worth waiting all those months in the dark for.

I’ve learned not to rush things that needed time to grow. And we both know that I need to grow and be mature enough through life situations. It is something we cannot develop over night and I would like to ask for more days before coming back. I hope that I still have something to come back for, that I am still welcome to come home, because you are home to me.

“Fall down seven times, get up eight.” – Japanese proverb

Everything that I need is just right in front of me, I just have to think differently. This love has taught me so much. We didn’t fall in love, because what we have is something I could rise up for.

I had fall down so many times but it didn’t stop me to get up and continue conquering life, and most of all, it motivates my very existence to excel in life because normal is just a setting in a washing machine and I wouldn’t want to be normal. I wanted to go out in my comfort zone and see the other side of things.

“When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – American proverb

Just like how we hold on to something we really want. Hold on tight and never let go…  but I let you go, didn’t I? And you let me too. Your butterfly is on her metamorphosis stage. Ready to accept change. Changes that will alter both our lives forever.. so please, please be patient with me. It will be worth it, I promise you.

We may be on the end of our rope, but soon, we’ll be tying the knot. Hoping and praying.

🙂 I know we will. You put me into this battle and now, I am ready to take charge, just some things are needed to be furnished.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

Lastly, this is the best proverb that made me cling to the reality I am in.

Change is good, it is not as scary as it was. Soon I’ll be adapting changes, because for you, I will.

We both know that His plans are better than ours, we may not know what the future holds, but we know who holds it.