Change is good

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“Anyone who thinks that sunshine is pure happiness has never danced in the rain.”

Difficult times in life were often when you learned the most. It is almost, always the necessary path to lead you into something great. It sometimes lead us somewhere our feet has never wandered. As if we are in a foreign land. A battlefield in which we are a complete novice.

It is pure amusement, the first time I set off my feet on the ground after taking a bus ride. What a lovely day! And so, I thought.

I knew I was fine. I had to be fine. I know soon, I will be. The more I say it, the more I’ll believe it, so I’ll get there eventually.

One way to move forward is to leave everything behind. I had to break someone’s heart, when mine already felt shattered into a million pieces. I had to deal with my anxiety. Crying on the bathroom floor with no one to turn to, while all the words we used to say is on repeat. All for days, it was on my mind. All for days, you are on my mind. And I had to say that it’s not about the hurdle we face, but how we overcome it. We learn to fight and go into a battle for what we want. I knew I had to work everything out. Alone.

I was lost. And then you found me.

But suddenly I felt lost in your side. I lost myself in the process of finding you. I was blinded by your light. And I think it was the best way to lose myself.

Your light gets into my brokenness, those tiny cracks you slip in.. but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to shine like you and together, we’ll light up this whole city.

I just realized that it’s okay to be lost sometimes, as long as you have that will to come back, better and stronger. With brighter light.

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” – African proverb

I am ready to go fast. I want to speed up the time so I can meet you halfway to the farthest we can go, together. I am ready to be the best version of myself, if you could just wait for me.

One day, you will see my light and it will be beautiful, so bright, that it will be worth waiting all those months in the dark for.

I’ve learned not to rush things that needed time to grow. And we both know that I need to grow and be mature enough through life situations. It is something we cannot develop over night and I would like to ask for more days before coming back. I hope that I still have something to come back for, that I am still welcome to come home, because you are home to me.

“Fall down seven times, get up eight.” – Japanese proverb

Everything that I need is just right in front of me, I just have to think differently. This love has taught me so much. We didn’t fall in love, because what we have is something I could rise up for.

I had fall down so many times but it didn’t stop me to get up and continue conquering life, and most of all, it motivates my very existence to excel in life because normal is just a setting in a washing machine and I wouldn’t want to be normal. I wanted to go out in my comfort zone and see the other side of things.

“When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – American proverb

Just like how we hold on to something we really want. Hold on tight and never let go…  but I let you go, didn’t I? And you let me too. Your butterfly is on her metamorphosis stage. Ready to accept change. Changes that will alter both our lives forever.. so please, please be patient with me. It will be worth it, I promise you.

We may be on the end of our rope, but soon, we’ll be tying the knot. Hoping and praying.

🙂 I know we will. You put me into this battle and now, I am ready to take charge, just some things are needed to be furnished.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

Lastly, this is the best proverb that made me cling to the reality I am in.

Change is good, it is not as scary as it was. Soon I’ll be adapting changes, because for you, I will.

We both know that His plans are better than ours, we may not know what the future holds, but we know who holds it.

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A Love That Persisted Through Distance And Time

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I’ve always wanted to have that kind of love since I get to know you.

You’re such a wonderful person. You were with me through ups and downs, and it was the happiest roller coaster ride I have ever ridden. And maybe tulad din ng ride sa roller coaster, it has to end, kasi may mga bagong sasakay at gustong makaexperience ng ganoong klase ng ride.

Akala ko nakababa tayo pareho, pero naiwan pala ako sa ere. I was there the whole time, waiting for you to come back. Bumalik ka. At sinabi mong tumalon ako dahil sasaluhin mo naman ako.

Hindi ako nakatalon, natakot ako na baka ‘pag tumalon ako, hindi mo ako masalo. Takot na kasi akong mahulog, takot na akong masaktan at masugatan.. matagal kasi kung maghilom ang mga sugat na naiiwan. But I took the risk to jump. At sinalo mo ako. Walang duda, malakas ka at nagawa mo akong buhatin sa kabila ng bigat at hirap. Sa kabila ng bigat at hirap na dinanas mo, nanatili ang mga kamay mo sa pagkakayakap. Alam ko, gusto mo akong protektahan. Alam kong gusto mong maging madali para sa atin ang dumaan sa mga pagsubok. Pero hindi ikaw si Superman at hindi ako si Wonder Woman, nakakapagod din pala ano? Kasi naramdaman kong nanginginig na ang mga kamay mo. Pabigat na ng pabigat, at walang pasabi, bigla mo akong binitawan.

Hindi kita masisi sa pagbitaw mo dahil alam kong kailangan mo din ng pahinga. Kailangan mo ng oras para ibalik ang lakas na nawala sa’yo. Isa, dalawa, tatlo, at ilang araw na ang lumipas. Naghintay ako, naghihintay ako, at maghihintay parin sa’yo.

Ang puso kong pagal na ngayon lang nagmahal nang ganito, hindi ko alam kung paano patitigilin. Kamatayan na nga yata ang makakapagpatigil sa pagtibok nito para sa’yo. At kung kamatayan rin lang ay handa ako, dahil bawat araw na wala ka ay namamatay ako. Bawat oras na hindi ka makausap ay parang taon ang binibilang ko, bawat minutong lumilipas ay nababawasan din ang pag-asa kong maging sayo, at bawat segundong nasasayang ay talagang pinanghihinayangan ko.

Oo, malayo ka. Napakalaki ng agwat nating dalawa, dahil lupa ako at langit ka. Ninais kong makarating sayo ngunit hindi sasapat ang pinagpatong-patong kong pagkakamali upang lingunin mo ang isang katulad ko. But this heart is a stubborn heart, and it knows nothing much to do, except for missing you, and loving you.

My life has been better since the day I found you, and I don’t know anymore if I could live without you, because you are my sunshine, my wind, and my little rain. You are simply my everything.

At ngayong wala ka na, hindi ko alam kung paano babangon.

Nais ko sanang matulog na lamang nang matagal, nais kong hindi makaramdam ng kahit anong sakit. Nais kong habulin ka sa kabilang dako, nais kong hanapin ka kung saan ka man nagtatago. Nasaktan ka at nasaktan din ako. Ngunit kahit masakit ay patuloy parin ang puso ko sa pag-aalay ng pagmamahal. Naghihintay lang kung may babalik. Nag-aabang sa lilim ng pagkabigo, na baka may makaalala sa isang pangako.

Pangakong habangbuhay na pagmamahalan at pagsasamang walang hanggan.

Umaasa parin ako na darating ang araw na ang pag-ibig natin ay magtatagumpay sa kabila ng distansya at oras na namamagitan.

Hanggang ngayon ay natatakot parin akong makita ka, ngunit mas natatakot akong hindi ka na makita pa.

 

God Never Sleeps

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Akala ko noon, napapagod ang Diyos kaya niya kinailangan ng pahinga when he created the universe and all the creatures in it.

Minsan ko na ding naisip na baka busy sya sa pagdinig ng panalangin ng iba kaya hindi niya naririnig ang mga panalangin ko.

Naitanong ko na din sa sarili ko kung “Natutulog nga ba ang Diyos?.”

Ang dami kong tanong… hanggang sa napuno ang isip ko ng pagdududa.

Hinayaan kong manaig ang hindi ko alam tungkol sa kanya, sa mga alam kong katotohanan na naranasan  ko na.

Minahal ako ng Diyos. Ngunit hindi ko siya minahal.

Akala ko noon, tayo lang ang gumagawa ng desisyon sa buhay natin. Mga plano nating maaaring matupad, at ang iba naman ay hinayaan nating hindi matupad.

I was stucked up between choice and destiny. Hindi ko naisip na kasama ang mga ito sa plano. Sa bigger plan na hinanda nya para lang sa akin. Posible pala yon?

Posible pala na ang isang katulad ko ay mahalin nang buo.

Dumating na rin ako sa punto ng buhay ko na parang wala na akong pag-asa. Maraming nawala sa akin habang wala ako sa piling Nya.

Pero hindi talaga nakakalimot ang Diyos sa kanyang mga pangako. Dahil niligtas Nya ako mula sa pagkakalugmok.. binuhat nya ako na parang iniingatang sanggol.

Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit at sinabi nyang, “Kasama mo ako, kailanman hindi kita iniwan, hinihintay lang kitang bumalik.”

Umiyak ako noon, pero hindi parin ako naniwala… Hindi ko kasi magawang maniwala sa isang bagay na hindi ko nararamdaman at hindi ko nakikita.

Hanggang sa marami nang nagdaan na problema at pagsubok, akala ko kaya ko.. akala ko lang pala. Dahil nung mga panahon na hindi naaayon sa akin ang sitwasyon, Siya ang sinisisi ko. Paano ko ba nagagawang sisihin ang isang bagay na hindi ko pinaniniwalaan?

 

Yes. I was an atheist. Or maybe agnostic.

Before I experienced His miracles.

Siguro, hinayaan nyang maranasan ko ang mga bagay bagay para maging mas matatag at matalino sa pagpapasya. Our God is mighty in power and wisdom.

Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang na gumagalaw pala Siya sa buhay ko, hindi ko lang napapansin because I wasn’t paying attention. Nakafocus ako sa mga problema.

Hindi ako humiling sa kanya ng mga bagay na mayroon ako ngayon, kusa Niya itong binigay based on my needs.

Akala ko noon, mabait lang ang Diyos sa mga tagasunod Niya. Pero pinaramdam Nyang may pakialam Siya sa akin. Sa tulad ko na walang nagawang kabutihan sa loob ng matagal na panahon.

Noong mga panahong nalugmok ako, hindi Siya nakalimot. Nagpadala Siya ng tao na makakatulong sa pag-ayos ko ng nasira kong buhay. (Siguro naiisip mo na hindi naman talaga sira ang buhay ko, overrated ako magkwento, pero totoo. Sirang-sira ako. Halos hindi ako makabangon sa kahihiyan. Gusto ko na lang matapos ang bawat araw na dumadaan, kasi nawala ang halos lahat sa akin.)

Dumating ang guardian angel ko. Muntikan ko na nga siyang hindi pansinin kasi masama ako mag-isip. Hinusgahan ko siya agad. Pero mapilit ang Diyos. Pinilit Niyang makabalik ako sa piling Niya. Akala ko, magugulo lang ang buhay ko sa pagdating ng panibagong tao. Hindi ko inakala na gagawin siyang instrumento ng Diyos para mapabuti ako. Pinaramdam niya sa akin kung paano magmahal at mahalin, kasi totoo siya sa kanyang hangarin.

Siguro kung hindi siya dumating ay huli na ang lahat para sa akin. Ako na nawalan ng dignidad at prinsipyo ay muli niyang binuo. Pinaramdam niya sa akin kung paano ang maging bago. Siya ang instrumento ng Diyos na nais ko ding gamitin upang maipaalam sa inyo kung paano niya ako binago.

(Pwede pala yun? Ang mahalin mo ang isang bagay na hindi mo nakikita. Salamat at pinarealize mo sa akin yun, Red. Na buhay ang Diyos dahil nakikita ko Siyang gumagalaw sa buhay mo. At minahal kita sa kabila ng mga araw at mahahalagang okasyon na hindi tayo nagkikita.)

Minahal niya ako sa kabila ng distansya na namamagitan sa aming dalawa. Sa magkabilang dako ng mundo, binuo ng Diyos ang siya at ako. Ginawa niyang ang Diyos ang aming sentro. “Lagi kang magdasal.” “‘Wag mong kalimutan ang magpasalamat sa Kanya.” “Magsimba ka ngayong araw.” Mga mensahe na sa kanya ko lang natatanggap. Dahil nakita ko kung gaano niya kamahal ang Diyos.

Pero sa kabila ng kabutihan niya ay nagawa ko parin siyang saktan. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang saktan ang isang katulad niya. Marahil ay natakot ako. Nasanay kasi ako sa mga bagay na malungkot, hindi maganda at masakit kaya hindi ko alam kung paano tanggapin yung mga bagay na pwedeng makapagpasaya sa akin, yung magagandang bagay, yung masarap sa pakiramdam, kasi natatakot ako na baka bawiin ito o baka hindi pala ako deserving.

Nasa kanya ang lahat ng bagay na nais kong makita sa taong gusto kong makasama. Pero nagawa kong saktan ang damdamin niya. Naging makasarili ako at nadala sa atensyon at pag-aalaga na binibigay ng iba. Kasi tanga ako at walang kwenta.

Hanggang sa malaman niya ang lahat ng kapangitan ko. Lahat ng mga bagay na nais kong itago dahil baka hindi niya ako tanggapin kapag nakita niyang hindi pala ako ang hinahanap niya.

Muli akong naguluhan kung nasaan na ba ako. Kung nasaang yugto na ako ng buhay ko.

Yung tao na nagsilbing ilaw ko sa daan papalapit tungo sa Diyos ay unti-unti nang naglalaho. Paano nga ba kung tuluyan na siyang mawala?

Kakayanin ko parin ba? Sasabihin kong oo, kasi tinuruan niya akong maging matatag at kumapit sa Diyos.

At naniniwala ako na hindi kami pababayaan ng panginoon, na sa huli, kami paring dalawa.

Dahil ang Diyos ay hindi natutulog, napapagod, o nagsasawa. Siya ang dakilang lumikha ng lahat at walang imposible sa kanya.

 

An Open Letter To The Woman That I’ve Hurt While I Was Hurting

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This is for you.

For all the things I’ve done subconsciously that I may have hurt you and ruined your hope for love.

For all the selfish acts I may have shown you as my defense mechanism to never let you hurt me again with your words.

It is a bit depressing for us to realize that the friendship we once had can never go back to the way it has been.

We were everything under the unpredictable charm of situation… and now we’re back to the way we used to.
Strangers. Afraid to look at each other’s eyes. Couldn’t utter a word. And it’s more difficult to say goodbye.. when you know you can’t say hello again.

I am sorry that I have made you cry through all the sleepless nights and wistful days. I am sorry to drain your spirit.

I want you to know that I was hurt. That I’ve seen my darkest days knowing that I am hurting someone’s emotion. I was blinded by my ego.

Love is not a relative term. Love is something we cannot give if we doesn’t have enough for ourselves, and I saw your overflowing love. I saw it and felt it indirectly.

You are one great kind of a woman who doesn’t see her worth. You are always insecure of yourself thinking that he may leave you anytime because for some reason, you don’t believe that he loves you so much.

Flipping the coin. Let me tell you the other side of the story.

This girl you were thinking of how pathetic loser she is, have already had someone in her heart for a long time. She is treated with love and respect and is extremely happy with the kind of relationship she have before your man came into her contented life. The girl you thought as a home wrecker, once thought of revenge against the man you are with. I just realized how much it costs when you are still holding grudges inside you. It will literally consume you.

One perfect sunny day, the man you are with suddenly came up to me saying he still love me. He has shown me different version of reality of how the world could be for us, two hearts attached to another people. Holding your hand while he is struggling to hold my heart. Unfaithful.

Not faithful of what you two can achieve in the future. Us, who lost our faith for some time, doing things against our conscience and the rules of the world that God has set upon us.

Doing things for me while you don’t have an idea that I am slowly falling for his schemes.

Him, losing the sweet blissful taste in your relationship. It was suddenly became bitter and salty. The flavorful relationship you once shared has now became tasteless. It’s all because he focused on me. He was telling me how he wanted to get out. To lose the grip of your hand, so he will be able to hold mine.

I am also struggling with my Long Distance Relationship, hustling myself to focus on what my heart wants and what my mind is telling me. It was very tiring.

I completely lost myself in the process. I’m not the worthy woman anymore. I cried almost every night.

And when you finally found out, I was okay with it. Chilled vibe and relaxed manner, I didn’t argue. I accepted my defeat.

At the end of the day, you’re still together. Stronger and.. I don’t know.

I am both glad and sad.

Glad that finally, for the second time or third.. I don’t really know how many chances you gave him..Now, I can see your eyes full of stars. Gleaming, full of hope that he will never hurt you again. I’m glad that finally, you’re at peace now or maybe not? As long as I am existing.

But I am sad, because I didn’t get the chance to apologize. I am sad that I was the one who’d been left with hurtful words and hated for unexplained side. I didn’t speak up because I had to put myself in his situation. He was afraid to be left behind while I am immune to that. I am sad that he has to complicate things within my inner circle before finally bid his goodbye. I am sad that in the future.. I will be accompanied with “kabit” stories and I have to be okay with that. I am sad that he did not confess the reason why you two end up fighting for your relationship.

Walang babae ang gustong maging kabit. Hindi ko gusto ang maging kabit, but you were able to put that label on me. Have your ever thought why? Kasi galit tayo sa kapwa natin babae, instead of helping each other out. Kasi mas gugustuhin pa nating hindi malaman ang totoo, ‘wag lang tayong mawalan. Kasi bulag tayo sa katotohanan na kaya tayong saktan ng taong inakala natin na never tayong sasaktan.

Gusto kong malaman mo na mas magiging masaya ako kapag nagawa mo nang mas mahalin ang sarili mo. Pero ano pa nga ba? Ganun ang love eh. Selfless.

Right now, I am slowly going back to the woman I was and step by step, I’m getting near to the person I want to be. Slowly but surely, I will arrive to my destination. I still have a long way to go and I am trusting the process. I am now guided with the love of my never changing God.

I am sorry to myself. To the person who hurt me that I’ve forgiven anyway. To the one that I truly love, and to you that I’ve hurt while I was hurting.

Self-Love

Absurd pakinggan.

Di naman natin kailangan ng salitang yan.

Self-love. Yun yung kailangan mo pang i-remind yung sarili mo kung gaano ka kahalaga, yung kailangan mong magkaroon ng oras para mapag-isa, at maisip lahat ng pwede mong gawin na hindi kakailanganin ang iba.

Di naman kailangan ng salitang yan kung hindi mo ginawang mundo yung dapat tao lang. Kung hindi lumabis yung pagmamahal mo sa tao, kasi tao ka din na nangangailangan nyan.

Pero hanggang kailan?

Hanggang kailan mo uunahin ang iba bago ang sarili mo? Paano kung dumating ka sa puntong wala ka nang maibigay kasi wala nang natitira sayo?

Marahil ay bulag parin tayo sa katotohanang makasarili ang tao.

Makasarili ka sa paghahangad na may babalik sayo kaya ka sumugal na ibigay lahat, at naging makasarili siya sa pagtanggap ng mga galing sayo kahit alam niyang hindi nya kayang magbalik. Sa katuwiran niyang, “binabalik lang ang mga bagay na hinihiram” – ano nga bang kailangan niyang ibalik kung kusa mo itong binigay nang walang pagdadalawang-isip o pag-aalinlangan?

Self-destruct. Masasabi nating self-destruct ang one sided love. Sa paanong paraan? Parang binigyan mo sya ng baril na may bala. Sa pag-aakalang gagamitin nya para ipang-protekta, ngunit ginamit nya ito sa pansariling interes. Baril na may bala na nakatutok sayo. Para kang humanap ng batong ipangpupukpok sa ulo mo. Hindi makapag-isip ng maayos dahil puso ang pinapairal. Ayaw mong masaktan pero pinpakita mo yung weak point mo. “Dito nyo ‘ko tamaan, ayaw ko kayong mahirapan.”

Loving someone is like giving them the full consent to hurt us.

Pero may choice ka. Ang alalahanin kung gaano ka nga ba kahalaga. Sino nga bang nagbibigay ng halaga sayo? Ang Diyos na lumalang sa’yo o ang mga tao sa paligid mo?

Sa lahat ng bagay na narinig mo, saan ka ba mas naniniwala? Sino ang nagpapatibay ng iyong paniniwala. Panini..wala…? Meron. Buksan mo ang puso mo. Dahil ang Diyos ay pag-ibig. Hindi masama ang magmahal.. lalo na ang mahalin ang sarili.

Self-love. Selfish.. Selffff… puro nalang sarili. Selfless lang ang may sariling hindi naging makasarili. Barok ng blog post ko. Sorry. Naglabas lang ako ng feelings. Pangsarili.

Close Sure

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CS. Close sure.

Ha? Diba closure yun?

Ha? Ano? Ano daw?

Bakit ganun? Ha? Pano?

-Ang daming tanong, pero hindi lahat may katuturan. Hindi lahat kailangan sagutin.

Minsan, kahit alam na natin yung sagot, nagtatanong parin tayo. Hindi dahil hindi tayo sigurado, kundi gusto nating marinig ang sagot mula sa katanungan.

 

Ha? Pano? Ang labo.

 

Oo malabo. Kaya nga ginusto mong bigyan ng linaw. Kaya ka lumayo. Para makita mo ng buo ang litrato mula sa malayo. Pero lalong lumabo, nakita mo ng buo ngunit di mo nakita ng malinaw. Buo ngunit hindi malinaw. Ganyan ang bersyon ng kwento natin. Magkaibang bida depende sa nagkukwento. Magkaibang sakit. Magkaibang detalye ng mga pangyayari.

Closed Sure.

Sarado Sigurado.

Sarado na ang utak ko sa mga paliwanag mo. Sigurado akong mahihirapan tayong maayos ‘to.

Mahirap. Masakit. Nakakatakot.

Gusto mong malaman pero ayaw mong maring. Gusto mong marinig pero ayaw mong paniwalaan. Gusto mong paniwalaan pero wala kang lakas para ipagsigawan yung alam mong katotohanan, na sa kabila ng lahat, tinig nya lang ang nais mong marinig. Boses nya lang ang nais mong maging musika sa tahimik mong mga gabi. Gabi. Madilim.

Dahil madilim ang sinapit ng iyong kahapon. Sapagkat wala kang tinig na narinig, ang kapalit ay hamog mula sa madilim na bahagi ng ilog.

Ilog kung saan tayo nagpapatiagos. Hindi alam ang pupuntahan, hindi alam kung saan tayo dadalhin.

Hanggang sa natuto kang lumangoy, habang ako naman ay nalulunod parin sa pag-ibig na minsan nating ibinahagi sa isa’t-isa.

Bakit ba ako nagmamakata? Nakakatawa. Nakakatawa kung paanong gawin tayong baliw ng pag-ibig, kung paanong kaya nitong baguhin ang katauhan natin.

Nagpupuyat, nag-iisip, naghahanap ng katarungan.

Marahil ang hindi mo pagsagot ay uri din ng kasagutan.

Undying Love for a Dying Person

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I don’t know who the dying one is.

The person who will leave, or the person who will be left behind?

Everyday I ask God “Why?”, and everyday, I get the same answer.

“Trust in me, I am in control”.

I can’t do anything to make him feel better every time that he has to endure pain,

All I can do is to pray.

“God, where are you?” I cried in desperation.

But I can’t find God. I was in despair.

I jumped in the water and then slowly, I lost my grasp in the air.

I cannot breathe, I’m drowning, I’m sinking, and it is cold here.

Once again, I failed. I failed in believing that everything is in control.

I prolonged the pain that I did not want to experience. This is torture.

But I am vulnerable to my self-inflicted pain

Because everyday I die in different kind of ways

and the fear of being left is getting bigger and bigger.

I’m not scared to die, but I am scared today

that he would finally wake up without recognizing me,

without recognizing the feelings that we had and the love that we shared.

I’m not scared to die, but I am scared to live.

To live without feeling his love, and realizing our dreams.